In memory of my oldest friend, the late William R. Trotter, author and military gaming Guru Emeritus – who passed away very shortly before these began to erupt from my subconscious – I took up a passing Project that he and our mutual friend, John Butts, dabbled with, back in roughly 1978. They penned a ridiculous, subversive (at the time), and wildly uneven series of Haiku, based on the social order of Greensboro, North Carolina, of the Seventies. I lost all my copies of these but never forgot them and, to feel closer to the departed Scrotum (our fond nickname for Trotter), I guess, out came these 41 little pearls, not so much cast before swine as authored by one.
I’m rather fond of these geegaws, mostly because they imposed a little daily discipline upon what is a generally chaotic life and, not unimportantly, they shoved me bodily out of the quotidian hissy fit I was experiencing, living with a mentally-defective grifter and ra[c/p]ist in my White House. Finding some humor in that pall of despair told me that life was not, in fact, a leaky bucket o’ shit…which may really be a lie. Anyway, here ya go. Enjoy?
Haiku #41: Philosophical Introspection
How does dryer lint/Get in one’s belly button?/Color me confused…
Haiku #40: Sharing
Duane’s divorce decree/Says that Darlene gets the/Dentures on weekends.
Haiku #39: Economy
Dan just did not get/Why his son’s ringworm can’t be/Used as free fish bait.
Haiku #38: Basic Butch
Man who calls women/“Baby Doll” will have big truck/And disgruntled wife.
The National Haiku Day Haiku of The Day
Haiku #37: Haiku? Si!
Carlos thought “haiku” meant/Naughty bits of a Very/Tall mujer guapa.
Haiku #36: Redneck Romance
MAGA hat, Cheez Whiz,/Thunderbird: Bob’s seduction/Technique needs some work.
Haiku #35: Losing Hand
Cliff, a gambler, bet/It would be a fart. Lost, cried,/And had to come clean.
Haiku #34: Intelligence
Crystal got Mama/A tattoo for Christmas. Mom/Tried to return it.
Haiku #33: Destiny
Man who cannot drive/Four-on-floor stick not NASCAR/Material. Just sayin’…
Haiku #32: The Secret To Life
Master Pon said, “The/Secret to life lies in two/Words only: “duct tape”.
Haiku #31: Taoism 101
Does the bee seek fame?/Does the dog crave great power?/Fuck no, you tool. Duh.
Haiku #30: Modern Dating
Dan was a Trump fan./Girls laughed at Dan’s Match profile./Dan’s is kinda fucked.
Haiku #29: The Greatest Question
Man and woman in/Alabama divorce. Still/Brother and sister?
Haiku #28: Fuck Winter
Chin Dao’s master said,/”Cold is illusion”. Chin said,/”Tell that to my balls.”
Haiku #27: “Super” Bowl 2019
Bill Belechick, Tom/Brady: sports equivalent/Of an ether spill.
Haiku #26: Deplorable
Darrell’s MAGA cap/is foil lined to block rays from/MSNBC.
Haiku #25: Playoff Edition
Chiefs, Saints, Pats, Rams, no/One to root for, but maybe/Brady’s epic Fail.
Haiku #24: Atrocities
Adolphus Busch was/To Beer what Hitler was to/Ethnic Tolerance.
Haiku #23: Tree Huggers
Woman marries tree./They clash on raising the kids/Jewish or in dirt?
Haiku #22: Philosophy
“I think, therefore…”, said/René. To which his wife said/”Take out les dechets!”.
Haiku #21: Teentitlement
My cheap bastard Dad/Gave me a new Beamer – with/NO wifi hotspot!?!
Haiku #20: NCAA Championship
Okay, smart-asses,/Who slipped “over” into the/Chanting of “Roll Tide”?
Haiku #19: Cat-Related Lament
My cat Minnie sits/Between my feet when I pee/And bats at my balls.
Haiku #19: Mo’ rednecks
Dwayne woke up bald and/Naked, with three new tattoos…/BEST…NEW YEAR’S…EVER!
Haiku #18: New Year’s Eve
“Ball dropping” used to/Mean Dick Clark in New York. Now,/It’s just me, naked.
Haiku #17: The NFL
It seems a “Catch” is/When you grasp a pass and hold/On ’til you are dead.
Haiku #16: Mo’ Rednecks
Darnell got Mama/A Glock 9 and Monarch Gin/For her Christmas…Awwww.
Haiku #15: Christmas Eve
If “Christmas Eve” makes/You think of pine-scent douche, seek/Professional help.
Haiku #14: A Cajun Christmas
Gumbo, maque choux, and/Hush puppies, served on an set/Of old Dodge hub caps.
Haiku #13: DIY
Duct tape, quite useful./A reversing drill, vital./A good Scotch – Priceless!
Haiku #12: Redneck Philosophy
Dwayne suspected that/Shorts up his butt crack was a/Metaphor for life.
Haiku #11: Sports Karma
Dave’s new Colt’s jersey,/With “Stud Hoss” on it, evoked/Derisive laughter.
Haiku #10: Beer
Those who drink urine/Do it because they run out/Of canned Budweiser.
Haiku #9: Redneck 3.0
Darla’s a realist./Can’t beat head lice, so she claims/Them as dependents.
Haiku #8: Local Color
Poulsbo, 5 a.m.,/Is Søgne in ’50/with way better cars.
Haiku #7: Trailer House Traumas
Bubba, drunk, wedged a/Small-block Chevy into his/Fleetwood double-wide.
Haiku #6: NSFW
Harvard MBA:/Like 007, License -/To be a douchebag.
Haiku #5: NW Conundrum
Dining, Seattle:/Geoduck carpaccio/Or smoked elk tartare?
Haiku #4: Soccer Dad Whines
“What gene is missing/In a child who tracks fresh mud/Into a new Porsche?”
Haiku #3: First World White Privilege
Brittney was SO bummed!/Her new red Beamer didn’t have/Massaging rear seats.
Haiku #2: Rednecks 1.0
Belly-button ring!/Dee thought, just the right accent/For my new tramp stamp.
Haiku #1: Resignation
White hotel bathmat/Kyped from Hyatt Chicago/Now smells like my cat
