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spacer1In memory of my oldest friend, the late William R. Trotter, author and military gaming Guru Emeritus – who passed away very shortly before these began to erupt from my subconscious – I took up a passing Project that he and our mutual friend, John Butts, dabbled with, back in roughly 1978. They penned a ridiculous, subversive (at the time), and wildly uneven series of Haiku, based on the social order of Greensboro, North Carolina, of the Seventies. I lost all my copies of these but never forgot them and, to feel closer to the departed Scrotum (our fond nickname for Trotter), I guess, out came these 41 little pearls, not so much cast before swine as authored by one.

STFU

I’m rather fond of these geegaws, mostly because they imposed a little daily discipline upon what is a generally chaotic life and, not unimportantly, they shoved me bodily out  of the quotidian hissy fit I was experiencing, living with a mentally-defective grifter and ra[c/p]ist in my White House. Finding some humor in that pall of despair told me that life was not, in fact, a leaky bucket o’ shit…which may really be a lie. Anyway, here ya go. Enjoy?

 

 

'Birds_and_Flowers_1,_one_of_two_six-panel_screens_by_Kano_Koi,_17th_century_Japan,_Honolulu_Academy_of_Arts

 

Haiku #41: Philosophical Introspection

How does dryer lint/Get in one’s belly button?/Color me confused…

 

Haiku #40: Sharing

Duane’s divorce decree/Says that Darlene gets the/Dentures on weekends.

 

Haiku #39: Economy

Dan just did not get/Why his son’s ringworm can’t be/Used as free fish bait.

 

Haiku #38: Basic Butch

Man who calls women/“Baby Doll” will have big truck/And disgruntled wife.

 

Wu-Daozi-the-Daoist-Official-of-Earth-Jin-Yuan-dynasty-detail

 

The National Haiku Day Haiku of The Day

Haiku #37: Haiku? Si!

Carlos thought “haiku” meant/Naughty bits of a Very/Tall mujer guapa.

 

 

Haiku #36: Redneck Romance

MAGA hat, Cheez Whiz,/Thunderbird: Bob’s seduction/Technique needs some work.

 

 

Haiku #35: Losing Hand

Cliff, a gambler, bet/It would be a fart. Lost, cried,/And had to come clean.

 

Haiku #34: Intelligence

Crystal got Mama/A tattoo for Christmas. Mom/Tried to return it.

 

Haiku #33: Destiny

Man who cannot drive/Four-on-floor stick not NASCAR/Material. Just sayin’…

 

Haiku #32: The Secret To Life

Master Pon said, “The/Secret to life lies in two/Words only: “duct tape”.

 

Haiku #31: Taoism 101

Does the bee seek fame?/Does the dog crave great power?/Fuck no, you tool. Duh.

 

Haiku #30: Modern Dating

Dan was a Trump fan./Girls laughed at Dan’s Match profile./Dan’s is kinda fucked.

 

Haiku #29: The Greatest Question

Man and woman in/Alabama divorce. Still/Brother and sister?

 

Haiku #28: Fuck Winter

Chin Dao’s master said,/”Cold is illusion”. Chin said,/”Tell that to my balls.”

 

Haiku #27: “Super” Bowl 2019

Bill Belechick, Tom/Brady: sports equivalent/Of an ether spill.

 

Haiku #26: Deplorable

Darrell’s MAGA cap/is foil lined to block rays from/MSNBC.

 

Haiku #25: Playoff Edition

Chiefs, Saints, Pats, Rams, no/One to root for, but maybe/Brady’s epic Fail.

 

Haiku #24: Atrocities

Adolphus Busch was/To Beer what Hitler was to/Ethnic Tolerance.

 

Haiku #23: Tree Huggers

Woman marries tree./They clash on raising the kids/Jewish or in dirt?

 

Haiku #22: Philosophy

“I think, therefore…”, said/René. To which his wife said/”Take out les dechets!”.

 

Haiku #21: Teentitlement

My cheap bastard Dad/Gave me a new Beamer – with/NO wifi hotspot!?!

 

Haiku #20: NCAA Championship

Okay, smart-asses,/Who slipped “over” into the/Chanting of “Roll Tide”?

 

Haiku #19: Cat-Related Lament

My cat Minnie sits/Between my feet when I pee/And bats at my balls.

 

Haiku #19: Mo’ rednecks

Dwayne woke up bald and/Naked, with three new tattoos…/BEST…NEW YEAR’S…EVER!

 

Haiku #18: New Year’s Eve

“Ball dropping” used to/Mean Dick Clark in New York. Now,/It’s just me, naked.

 

Haiku #17: The NFL

It seems a “Catch” is/When you grasp a pass and hold/On ’til you are dead.

 

Haiku #16: Mo’ Rednecks

Darnell got Mama/A Glock 9 and Monarch Gin/For her Christmas…Awwww.

 

Haiku #15: Christmas Eve

If “Christmas Eve” makes/You think of pine-scent douche, seek/Professional help.

 

Haiku #14: A Cajun Christmas

Gumbo, maque choux, and/Hush puppies, served on an set/Of old Dodge hub caps.

 

Haiku #13: DIY

Duct tape, quite useful./A reversing drill, vital./A good Scotch – Priceless!

 

Haiku #12: Redneck Philosophy

Dwayne suspected that/Shorts up his butt crack was a/Metaphor for life.

 

Haiku #11: Sports Karma

Dave’s new Colt’s jersey,/With “Stud Hoss” on it, evoked/Derisive laughter.

 

Haiku #10: Beer

Those who drink urine/Do it because they run out/Of canned Budweiser.

 

Haiku #9: Redneck 3.0

Darla’s a realist./Can’t beat head lice, so she claims/Them as dependents.

 

Haiku #8: Local Color

Poulsbo, 5 a.m.,/Is Søgne in ’50/with way better cars.

 

Haiku #7: Trailer House Traumas

Bubba, drunk, wedged a/Small-block Chevy into his/Fleetwood double-wide.

 

Haiku #6: NSFW

Harvard MBA:/Like 007, License -/To be a douchebag.

 

Haiku #5: NW Conundrum

Dining, Seattle:/Geoduck carpaccio/Or smoked elk tartare?

 

Haiku #4: Soccer Dad Whines

“What gene is missing/In a child who tracks fresh mud/Into a new Porsche?”

 

Haiku #3: First World White Privilege

Brittney was SO bummed!/Her new red Beamer didn’t have/Massaging rear seats.

 

Haiku #2: Rednecks 1.0

Belly-button ring!/Dee thought, just the right accent/For my new tramp stamp.

 

Haiku #1: Resignation

White hotel bathmat/Kyped from Hyatt Chicago/Now smells like my cat

 

There may be some future entries….Be Afraid.

Speak yer piece, Pilgrim.

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